


the literal most awful thing in the history of ever

by phidari



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Established Relationship, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Hospitalization, M/M, One Shot, POV Third Person, Past Tense, Poor Life Choices, Sexual Mishaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-12
Updated: 2013-06-12
Packaged: 2017-12-14 19:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/840452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phidari/pseuds/phidari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"God gave man a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use them both at the same time." —Robin Williams</p>
            </blockquote>





	the literal most awful thing in the history of ever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [le_voyage_violet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/le_voyage_violet/gifts).



> Written for [this prompt](http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/3493.html?thread=1258405#cmt1258405) in bonus round 1 of the Homestuck Shipping World Cup.

This was the literal most awful thing in the history of ever, Jake thought to himself as he sped after the screaming ambulance. Okay, that was just one of the things he was thinking, intermingled with a litany of _God fucking fuck, I hope he doesn't die, Jesus manger-shitting Christ what have I done, oh god oh god oh god no_. He ran a red light and didn't even care.

Some five minutes after the ambulance had pulled up to his and Dirk's apartment, both it and Jake's car came to a halt in the hospital unloading zone. Jake climbed out of the car and slammed the door. He probably left the keys in the ignition. He didn't really care about that, either. He had to make sure Dirk was all right! A pair of medics came bustling out of the ambulance wheeling a stretcher, and Jake tailed them just like he'd always seen worried spouses do on hospital dramas. Because he was a spouse -- if not in the eyes of the state of Texas, then in his heart at least — and he was definitely worried.

He wasn't quite expecting an orderly to pull him aside and explain that he needed to fill out the requisite paperwork before being allowed entry into a patient's room, especially one in Dirk's condition. But after a moment's thought he wasn't surprised, because _fuck_ the state of Texas.

He waited for an hour, and then two. At one point an announcement played over the loudspeaker — _Will the owner of the green Jeep with Tokelau license plates please move their car_ — but he didn't notice it in his condition. He sat there in that uncomfortable plastic waiting room chair, arms folded, leg bouncing up and down forcefully enough to create what felt like a pre-earthquake tremor, for a grand total of three hours and sixteen minutes before a nurse approached him and told him that Dirk was stable, and awake, and asking to see him.

Jake tried to restrain himself as he was led up to Dirk's room, but when he finally stepped into the room and saw Dirk lying there in one of those chair-like hospital beds with its raised back, relief flooded him. He ran over to his boyfriend and gathered him up into a tight embrace.

"Whoa! Dude, chill. I'm alive but I won't be for much longer if you squeeze the fucking life out of me," Dirk complained.

Sheepishly, Jake let go. He was met with a death glare from the nurse, but he chose to ignore it. "I was so friggin' beside myself, Dirk, I didn't know what to do! Are you quite all right?"

"Yeah, I'm good. They got the vibe out — shit, _what_ did I tell you? Flared bases, bro. An ass is not like a vagina."

The nurse turned slightly red and took one tiny step back toward the door.

"Yes, I recall, but it was the heat of the moment! I was discombobulated!"

"You mean all your blood was pooled in your dick, leaving none for your cognitive reasoning centers. Why did you even have that thing?" When Jake opened his mouth to answer, Dirk held up a hand. "No. Never mind. I don't want to hear it. How about you tell me why the fuck you called an ambulance? You know how expensive that shit is?"

"Er, well. Like I said, it was the heat of the moment. A practical three-alarm fire! Except one that required immediate medical attention and not a fire truck. This wasn't something I could handle on my own, you know!"

"You could have driven me here."

Jake coughed and tugged at his collar. "Well, what matters is you're all better now and after a bit of recuperation you'll surely thrive in spite of this little setback. And, er, I'll do a quick run-through of my toy collection and weed out the ones ill-suited to relationships of our anatomical configurations."

"Right. You do that." Dirk settled back down in his bed with a scowl. "Nurse? I'd like to get some sleep now."

"You heard him." The nurse gestured to Jake. "If you don't mind, sir..."

Jake felt somewhat like he imagined a small child would feel after having their pet dog run away immediately after having received it at a birthday party which nobody but their parents attended, but he nodded and followed the nurse out of the room. Dirk had to rest up and get better, and then everything would be all right.

Or so he thought, until he found that his car had been towed.


End file.
